Regret

"I loved her so. And she knew what I did. She knew all the fucking stupid things I'd done. But the love... was stronger than anything you can think of. The goddamn regret. The goddamn regret! Oh, and I'll die. Now I'll die, and I'll tell you what... the biggest regret of my life... I let my love go. What did I do? I'm sixty-five years old. And I'm ashamed. A million years ago... the fucking regret and guilt, these things, don't ever let anyone ever say to you you shouldn't regret anything. Don't do that. Don't! You regret what you fucking want! Use that. Use that. Use that regret for anything, any way you want. You can use it, OK? Oh, God. This is a long way to go with no punch. A little moral story, I say... Love. Love. Love. This fucking life... oh, it's so fucking hard. So long. Life ain't short, it's long. It's long, goddamn it. Goddamn. What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? What did I do? Phil. Phil, help me. What did I do?"

-Magnolia

No, this is not a movie review, but an introspective piece into my psyche. The above quote is a tad over dramatic, but it sets the tone rather well.

So over the past several days, weeks, and months....the topic of regret has been brought up quite a bit with regards to many of the choices I've made throughout my life. I'll be frank....I do have regrets and I do believe it to be healthy to have them (show me one person without a regret and I will show you a liar). Honestly, I believe it to be our regrets that truly make us human. I mean this not only in the sense of species classification, but also in our ability to express things like emotions (something I still need to work on) or empathy.

Like everyone else I regret not telling that one person I love them (still haunts me), not trying hard on that (fill in with random assignment or class), or not letting my mind go wild with the possibilities with a different future. These are all rather common, so let us not get into them (not tossing them aside as unimportant, but as they are not a part of the crux of this post, we can save them for latter).

There is one thing I will not regret and that is sticking by what I believe to be right. Even if I lack the support by all those around me...I feel as though it would betray my essence to shamelessly give up on what I believe. If I were to do this (which I have)....the simple act of looking at myself would be unbearable. I cannot do this again, even though the current cost is very dear to me. This is not a battle between good and evil or love and hate, but a battle of futility. No matter the outcome of this conflict, everyone loses and there is very little chance that a recovery can occur.

So this is the path I choose, one of pain and strife. It will end badly, but hell....so do many things in life. I now enter the abyss with little to guide me, but let's hope that at the end of the day (and for the remainder of my days), I can still cal myself Damien. With that said, let us part on a fitting end:

"No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise."

-Watchmen